The year of me

When I was 12 my mom was admitted to the hospital. Diagnosis -- exhaustion. At 29 I'm already starting to see signs of how much I'm like my mother. I like to please people and make things easier for them. It's what makes me great at my job, but also what is leading me down the path my mother forged before me. While most people have a grey area between wants and needs, I have a line in the sand, and everything can be placed on one side or the other. Because of this, everyone else seems to have so many needs that my very few shortly loose their priority, but not their importance. I'll still get to them, but they'll have to wait. It's easy to dismiss your priorities when they're pushing you into an area of challenge. "Oh I can't make it to the gym today because I had to stay late to help the boss, and the dogs need to be let out of their crates." "No, I didn't get a chance to study my photography book because the laundry and dishes needed to be done."

I see it happening more and more and am feeling the drain already. I still enjoy doing all these things for people to help them out, but find that the I either forget to etch out some time for just me or actually manage keep to it. As much as I love my husband and spending time with him is a truly relaxing end to the day, it's still not me time. It's still not me focusing on what I want to do and how to do it. It's still not making them wait for what they "need" so that I can get a little of what I want.

On that note, I'm declaring this the year of me. I know this mindset won't come any easier once children are involved so I need to learn the discipline and set the standard now. It's important that I learn to do this. Both for the balance of my marriage, and the future example I hope to set for my children. And surprisingly, the more I type, the more this sounds like the year of them. What can I say. I'm not going to stop doing something solely for me just because it throws a positive out to the ones I love. That's just bonus.

When I grow up, I wanna be a ...

...doctor
...lawyer
...author
...photographer
...well paid housewife

And most recently...retired.

The truth is I really don't know what I want to do when I grow up. Every time I think I have an idea I quickly find a list of reasons it is equally as terrible as it is great. Doctors and lawyers? Way too much school. Author? I can barely lie, let alone tell a story. Photographer? It would definitely be cool, but man will that take a lot of ambition. Well paid housewife? Did I hear The Real Housewives of DC was coming to town?

Something about getting older and approaching being a grownup for more years than you've been a kid makes you take a good look at where you are in life. Is this where I thought I'd be. HELL NO! That's not to say I'm not happy. In the original "plan" I'd be pregnant with #2 by now and lord knows what I'd be doing as far as work. No thank you. Ask me again in a year if I'm ready to think about #1.

What I do know is that I want my kids to be proud of me. Hell, I want me to be proud of me, and right now I feel like I'm falling short. I'm not living up to my potential and seem to keep making excuses why not. I don't want to be one of those people that looks back when they're older and can only see the missed opportunities. I know that life is short, and my biggest fear isn't being forgotten, but not having done something to be remembered.

When I grow up, I want to be remembered.

To Blog, or not to Blog, that is the question

I've been throwing around the idea of blogging for a while. In my head I write posts all the time (I have conversations too, but that's a whole other post), but never seem to have the time or follow through to actually post anything on the blog that I've now had for about a year. Yep, that's right. I created this blog a year ago, and am just now getting around to creating my first post. Talk about procrastination.

But, this is the year of Change, or so I'm told, and to that extent I am making changes. I turn 29 tomorrow and am going to spend the next year making positive changes so that I can look back and say that turning 30 kicked ass compared to turning 18 (yay, I'm an "adult"), 21(woohoo, I can drink), or even 25 (watch out, I can now rent a car). I've made the decision that I'm going to run full sprint into 30 with arms wide open and give it a big fat hug HEL-LO!

On tap for the list of change are the following:

1. Develop, and stick to, a realistic workout regimen
2. Eat healthy -- learn and exercise portion control
3. Keep house clean not only when company is coming over, but on a regular basis. (This will help when we decide to graduate from furbabies to real ones)
4. Learn to take time for me. This could be reading a book, or actually working on the photography thing. Either way, it has to be just about me, and no one else (and that's OK).
5. Appreciate Monkey C on the outside, not just the inside. (He likes to hear compliments and "Thank you" just as much as I do)
6. Don't wait to tell people tomorrow, what you can tell them today. Time is always shorter than you think.
   
7. Don't procrastinate just because you can.